Fabulous to be female

Our firstborn, Kelsey, taught me about new life and parental love. Parenting her was a delight. Every day featured smiles, a good-natured response, and a sense of connection. The mystery of new life and shared parent-child love were deeply rewarding experiences.

Our second child, Lisa, taught me to love unconditionally. She was a demanding and cranky baby. I learned to love through it. And as I loved through it, Lisa taught me about her own joy. When she was happy she radiated joy like the sun. I learned to love her in the good times and in the difficult times.

Then when I thought I was an expert on love and parenting, our third child, Noah, taught me another lesson. He taught me to love in the fragile moments where life and death meet. Noah went into anaphylactic shock when he was three and almost died in my arms.  His face and throat swelled, his airway began to close, he became lethargic, and he came close to losing consciousness. That day I learned to love in the moment; I was unsure if there would be a tomorrow for us so I used the moments I had to pour all the mom-love I had into my young son. And somehow it all worked out. He survived, recovered, and is now a healthy 17-year-old boy. But he walks around, every day, with a life-threatening food allergy. It could all happen again. Me, I’ve never been the same. Since the day Noah almost died in my arms I love more deeply and more readily. I forgive. I appreciate the moments I have with those I love. And I tell the people I care about how wonderful they really are.

I have been drastically changed by love. All of my kids have played a part.

I often think that it is we who are the students, the parents. If we pay attention there is so much to learn as we raise our kids. The trick is to pay attention and to allow life and love to stretch us. It’s not easy but it’s so rewarding. Especially the love lessons; they are the most rewarding of all. 

How about you? What have you learned about love from your kids?

Write it down - what, exactly have you learned from each child? After you process and answer the question - and write down your response, consider sharing the lessons with your kids. It will be a gift to your kids and to you.

Celebrate love together. That’s what families are for.  

I spoke to a reporter yesterday from Woman's Day. She is raising two sons. We talked mostly about raising girls but we did chat a bit about boys . I told her that the issues for boys about beauty, body-image, and self-esteem aren't even being addressed yet (well, they are, but only by a handful of people). If you are raising boys it's essential that you teach your sons what REAL women look like, how to treat REAL women, and how to have relationships with REAL women. Real women, real girls, real people are NOT like the computer-generated figures in his video game.

I've been writing this week about the documentary Miss Representation. While the film  primarily addresses the female response to the cultural ideals of perfectionism and unobtainable beauty standards, it's important to note that boys and men are drastically effected as well. A boy who grows up believing the images he sees risks becoming a man who is disappointed with REAL women.

I'm not making this up. I have met men who tell stories of being dissatisfied with real women. One guy in particular stands out. He was very smart. And he was drawn to women who just didn't satisfy his desire for deep conversation and companionship. The women he sought were "too shallow" (his words). He sought blond women with large breasts and bubbly personalities. He was not satisfied for more than a few dates. He spent thousands of dollars on therapy to help him sort out his desires. It worked for him. He ended up marrying a wonderful woman with short black hair, a great personality, and an intelligence level that matched his. And he was glad he had come to understand his misguided search for Barbie. An ideal that was, first-of-all, not possible, and second-of-all, not desirable in the long run.

 So if you are raising boys please address this issue with your sons.

Also - they need instruction about their bodies, their desires, and what healthy sexuality is all about. Difficult topics to bring up around the dinner table, I know. If you need help contact me, I now offer a Growing up Male workshop that addresses these issues.

Parenting girls or boys, we have our work cut out for us.

The most recent surveys (conducted by phone!) reveal that about 65% of adult Americans are overweight, 30% are obese. It is projected that by the year 2015, 75% of Americans will be overweight and 41% will be obese. You and your kids are at risk.

Some of us overeat when we are emotionally stressed. Take this survey to determine to what extent you eat to manage your feelings and emotions:

Assign points: 1- never, 2=rarely, 3=occasionally, 4=often, 5=always

1. When you get mad at someone, including yourself, do you get the urge to eat?
2. Do you reach for a snack or head for the refrigerator when you feel annoyed?
3. If someone or something disappoints you, do you feel like eating?
4. When you're ticked off all day, do you eat more than usual?
5. Do you gravitate toward food when you're bored?
6. Do you comfort feelings of loneliness by eating?
7. If you feel restless, is food the first thing you think of to calm yourself?
8. Is food your friend when you feel empty inside or unloved?
9. Do you ease feelings of stress by munching?
10. Does eating help soothe you when life seems overwhelming?
11. Are big changes in life followed by weight gain?
12. Does worry cause you to eat more than usual?
13. Do you ever say to yourself, "I feel fat anyway, I may as well eat"?
14. Do you ever eat to punish yourself?
15. Do you ever eat to reward yourself?
16. Does a general feeling of agitation cause you to snack?
17. When you're feeling moody, do you feel like eating?
18. Do you crave extra food when you have "the blues"?
19. When you're anxious and you don't know why, do you eat to take the edge off?
20. Do you eat more when you feel excited?
21. Do you overeat when you celebrate?

Interpretation: a score = to or > 77 suggests that you regularly eat to manage feelings and emotions. If some groups of questions seem to have higher scores than others, it may indicate that one or more specific emotional sates push you to eat:

• If answers to questions 1-4 are mostly 4s or 5s, you probably eat to stuff down anger
• If answers to questions 5-8 are mostly 4s or 5s, you tend to reach for food when you are bored or feel lonely
• If answers to questions 9-12 are mostly 4s or 5s, stressful events or times in your life promote overeating
• If answers to questions 13-15 are mostly 4s or 5s, your body-image and self-esteem need a boost
• If answers to questions 16-19 are mostly 4s or 5s, your day-to-day moods urge you to munch

Here's a link to an article for adults (Web MD) on emotional eating. Read the article if you find from the above survey that you do, indeed, practice emotional eating on a regular basis. There are activities/strategies for turning around emotional eating included.

Here's a link to an article for teens about emotional eating. If your teen seems to practice this, read the article and share it with your teen. There are strategies for overcoming emotional eating included.

"I saw an angel in the block of marble and I just chiseled 'till I set him free."

- Michelangelo

Michelangelo chiseled away marble to give form to his amazing sculptures. And just as Michelangelo believed the form already existed inside the marble, I believe the adult your child will become is already present, inside your child, waiting to be revealed and empowered.

We can't use a chisel like Michelangelo did, we must use other tools and techniques to free and empower our children. What are our tools as parents and caring adults? Here's my list of the top 5 things you can do to help your child become the amazing person she/he is meant to become:

1. Love unconditionally. Apply generously and repeatedly. This will give your child the confidence she needs to believe in herself and to try new things. 
2. Guide your child with wisdom and patience. Share what you know; do it gently.
3. Provide opportunities for learning. Not all kids learn at the same time. Watch for readiness, especially if your child learns at a different rate than his peers.
4. Give your son or daughter opportunities to try new things. Whether your child succeeds or fails is NOT the point, the important factor is that he/she tries and doesn't give up.
5. Readily forgive your daughter or son. For whatever it is. Forgive. Just do it.

I recently went to Rome and Florence, Italy. I saw Michelangelo's sculptures. They are amazing works of art. Here in California, I frequently have a chance to meet kids - your kids. They too are amazing pieces of work/art/humanity. Like Michelangelo's sculptures, your kids enrich the world by their presence. They offer the world the gifts of hope, joy, and confidence.

In Italy I whispered a prayer of thanks to Michelangelo for gifting us with the beauty of his sculptures. Here in California I whisper a prayer of thanks to each of you caring parents and adults for investing in kids. Thank you; your contributions gift all of us with amazing and wonderful human beings.

Eight-year-old Noah climbed the 125 steps of the Stingray, a giant waterslide. He reached the top, looked down, then turned and climbed down; the view from the top was just too frightening. Ten minutes later Noah mounted the 125 steps again, his cousin, Colin, by his side, talking words of encouragement. The companionship helped. But the fear was still too large; Noah disembarked, again, without riding. He must have climbed up and down those stairs 12 times. Then he mastered it; he got to the top, climbed into the raft with his cousin and they pushed off. The raft plunged down the vertical drop off. Noah had conquered his fear. He grinned from ear-to-ear at the bottom then clamored up the steps to ride the Stingray again. He was elated.

The world is a scary place. Managing fear is a challenge we all face and it never really goes away. Having a trusted guide or friend can help. Parents often become that trusted guide as you help your child face and master his fears. Here’s a three-step process you can use to help your kids work through their fears. It goes like this: name it, claim it, and tame it.

1.       Name it: Sometimes we don’t realize why we are avoiding something. Identifying the fear helps us realize what we’re up against. The first step is to name it, “I’m afraid.”   

2.       Claim it: You have to claim your fear before you can figure out what to do with it. Accept it, it’s yours. A fear isn’t good or bad; it’s a feeling. Don’t be ashamed of it; we all have fears.

3.       Tame it: Take the fear, look it in the face and make a decision to master it. Remember, fear is simply a feeling. Sometimes the fear is based on reality, something scary or bad is bound to happen, and sometimes fear is based on our imagination or simply on an unknown outcome. Identify how real the risk is then develop a plan to manage the situation. When you become focused on outcome the fear often dissipates.   

Kids fear many things, made up and real: monsters, ghosts, strangers, fast rides, rejection, ridicule, etc. Parents have their own lists of fears: fears for their kids’ future and fears about job loss, economic hardship, health challenges, etc.  Teach your kids about fear, it’s normal, it’s universal, and it’s manageable. It helps children when parents admit to fears too and then model the process: name, claim, tame. So be open with your child about your own experiences, tell an occasional story about a fear/struggle you dealt with, then help your child learn how to face and conquer fear. It’s a gift that will last a lifetime.

The quest for best went unquestioned in my day. Why be good if you could be better or even the best?

Good, better, best

Never let it rest

Until your good is better

And your better is best.

 It seemed innocent enough but now I wonder if a little rhyme was in truth a bad prescription. A constant quest to be best may lead a person to perfectionism. And perfection is unattainable; those who seek it are unhappy and may experience a perpetual feeling of failure, even when they are operating at a very high level. People who expect to be perfect will always be disappointed and may even feel shame for their very human and very normal limitations. Don’t do this to yourself; don’t do this to your kids either – don’t encourage them to be BEST at everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in excellence and striving to do your best but we all have limitations and it’s healthy to acknowledge those limitations, even as parents, or especially as parents.  When parents own up to struggles and even failures they model to their kids that it’s OK to have limitations. Indeed, we all have limitations; there is no shame in that.

 And while we’re on the subject, let’s look at parenting and the parent quest some take on to do it all. You know what I’m talking about. Parents often feel pressure to do everything right for their kids. Of course we cannot do everything right so it’s a failed quest from the outset. And it’s not good for the kids either. In an article in this month’s Atlantic Magazine there’s an interesting article called, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy. The article talks about parents who do too much to shield kids from adversity; it seems these parents may give their kids a childhood with too much happiness; the kids don’t learn how to handle adversity and failure.

 The take-away message for me was to teach resilience and to parent in a manner described as good enough. I love the term, good-enough parenting. Good enough is good; good enough isn’t perfect, doesn’t need to be perfect, and doesn’t strive to be perfect. I like the concept and I think it can teach kids something about being satisfied with life and with what an individual can affect.

 Life is hard sometimes.  Parenting is hard. Doing a good job is satisfying. Trying to do the very best job possible all the time is a recipe for exhaustion and for feeling dissatisfied.

What do you think – should we parents always go for BEST or is good enough just that, good enough?

We raised one of “those” kids. You know the kind of child I’m talking about, the kids we all secretly hope we don’t get as parents – the children who get into everything and seem to always be in trouble or pushing the limits. Yes, we had one. She was challenging from the beginning. She cried a lot; she cried every single time she was put in the car seat, starting with her first car trip home from the hospital. And she cried each time after as well, until she could sit up and look out the window. She was in constant motion; she crawled up on everything and took things apart. We had to watch her constantly. Once she spread Crisco shortening all over the kitchen. Another time she emptied the liquid soap on the bathroom floor then mixed it with water in order to “clean” for me; it took my husband and me 45 minutes to mop it all up. She hit me when I put her in a timeout, bit me when she was frustrated, broke more than her share of dishes, and picked every one of my prized daffodils the spring she turned three. She kept us busy!

I loved this child anyway. Her name is Lisa and she’s now 23. When we tell stories about what she was like as a little girl, Lisa looks sheepish, laughs, and apologizes for her early troublesome nature. We got through it.

Lisa didn’t set out to hurt me or damage our things. She was curious, spirited, and sensitive. We knew her well and knew her motivations. This allowed my husband and me to continue to love her while we tried to teach her about limits, self control, and empathy.

As we raised this child we learned about forgiveness. I had to forgive Lisa for biting me (while I taught her better ways to channel her frustration). I had to forgive her for breaking a vase my dad had made for me; it was irreplaceable. And there were numerous times I had to ask Lisa for forgiveness when I lost my patience with her and responded too harshly to her curiosity, her intensity, and her high energy level.   

Forgiveness is a gift we share with those we care about. It’s not an easy gift to give. But it’s a gift that is essential for long-lasting and high-quality relationships. When we forgive someone we give them a fresh start, we help them understand that it’s OK that they aren’t perfect (none of us is perfect), and most importantly, we help them re-connect with their inner goodness.  Wonderful things happen when people are connected to their inner goodness.

Teach your children about forgiveness. Model it to them and ask them to forgive you when you don’t quite measure up. It’s a gift worth giving and a gift worth receiving.

Along the way you just might inspire goodness. What a happy outcome that will be!

Parents want to protect their children. It’s normal and natural. The day inevitably arises, though, when a difficult and uncomfortable issue presents itself. It might be a death, divorce, or a grave diagnosis. These days families face job loss and some face financial ruin. The potential list of difficulties is endless. Parents worry about the impact of these difficult situations on their children. Some fret and wonder, “To tell or not to tell?” and “If we do tell our children, how should we go about it?”

Most kids can handle most difficult issues. The most important thing to know is that your kids will take their cues from you. They will respond, most often, very similarly to how you behave as you break the news to them. If you are uncomfortable, your children will be uncomfortable. If you are calm, your child is more likely to respond in a calm manner. If you are hysterical, your child is more likely to respond with a dramatic emotional response. So deal with your feelings first then present the difficulty to your child in an honest way.

TRUST yourself and your child’s abilities:

T              Truth: Tell the truth as simply as possible. You don’t need to sugar-coat a bad situation; it doesn’t help. Omit frightening or graphic details; kid’s imaginations can be vivid so use caution here.

R             Resilience: Teach your child about coping and help her become resilient. Give your child confidence that she can deal with the situation. Reassure her that you will help. People rebound and learn how to deal with all sorts of difficult situations every day.

U             Understanding: Help your child understand as much as she wants to know. Answer questions; be open to your child’s uncertainties and need to work through the issue.

S              Symbolic Item or Gesture: Offer your child a simple symbol or a ritual to help her anchor her feelings. Give her a polished stone or trinket to carry in a pocket as a reminder of your love or the strength of your bond. Or try a candle-lighting ritual to give your child something to “do” to help channel her energy. Dedicate the candle and the lighting gesture to the person in question or to the issue to be resolved. Repeat the ritual daily if your child finds comfort in the gesture.

T              Together: Assure your child that you will tackle the issue together. Teach your daughter that managing difficult situations is a normal part of life and the best approach is to deal with it together through listening, sharing feelings, and working for resolution.  

The hard times will come; it happens to all families. Build a strong family in good times; rely on your strong family ties in tough times.

And as always, if your child struggles more than you think he should, seek professional help.

Summer is an opportune time to create family memories. Shared fond memories are part of the glue that holds families together. Activities that are likely to stick in memory are ones that are unusual, filled with mystery, involve the senses, or engage emotions.

Formula for creating a memory:

• Choose an activity or tradition to emphasize. This can be a simple activity at home, like making your own ice cream or stargazing at midnight or you may choose a more involved adventure such as a week-long vacation.
• Fill the activity with CARE: 
  • C - Communication: talk about the activity in advance and afterward.
  • A - Affection: share your love and affection with your family members while you engage in the activity. A simple, “I love you” or “I think you’re great!” is enough.
  • R - Resilience: Help your kids transition in and out of special events, vacations, and new schedules. Teach them how to be adaptable and to enjoy the new experience.  
  • E - Enjoy each other: Share positive regard with your family members. Remind them of how much fun they are to be with and be sure to laugh together.
  • Tell stories and share memories of the event. Choose an outstanding aspect of the experience to memorialize with a story or to illustrate a value. Tell the story multiple times over the course of the next month. Then repeat the story regularly at family “story telling” nights.  

Our three kids remember all sorts of details about a yearly vacation my family takes. We have visited the same place for 19 years.  The tradition itself along with the smell and sounds of the familiar place are cherished memories for each of our family members. We talk about this vacation all year long. We go out of our way to fit it into our busy lives (our young adult children still carve time out of their busy lives to attend). It is a source of joy for us as family. We have collected so many memories around this vacation tradition that we can tell stories for hours.

And then there is my own childhood to recall. My dad made milkshakes when I was growing up. And they were the best milkshakes in the whole world. Why were they the best? They were the best because each time he made them my dad declared, “These are the best milkshakes in the whole world.” They became the best for me and for each of my siblings; now his grandchildren proclaim, “Grandpa makes the best milkshakes in the whole world.” That’s an enduring memory. That’s a tradition.

Build memories. Tell your stories. They really will help hold your family together over the years.