Fabulous to be female

How to love a sullen teenager? Let me count the ways…

1. Remember what your daughter or son was like as a baby or a toddler. That sweet little child is still in there – somewhere.
2. Make a choice to share positives – five positives for every negative. It’s a magic formula. Studies show that high-quality relationships feature this positive-to-negative ratio. AND I hear back from parents regularly that it works with their teen. Try it. 
3. Forgive and move on.
4. Laugh together. Shared laughter builds bonds and good memories.
5. Remind yourself of what being a teen can be like: pressure, insecurity, so much to learn, social drama…  Your teen needs to know you are on her/his side.

More to come… Stay tuned for a new product line coming – to support YOU in your parenting efforts. I’m very excited about a new venture I’m involved with and will be rolling out in the next few weeks. You, as subscribers to my newsletter will be some of the first to hear of it – and there will be a special offer as well.

Please pass these messages on to your daughters and to all girls you care about. These are truths about relationships that girls need to know about; most girls don't know these things. They are essential pieces of information. Pass the word. 

1. You become like the people you spend time with. Choose your friends wisely.
2. Romance in the preteen and early teen years is overrated. Dabble with it if you must but don't think these young romances will last. They almost never do.
3. Be patient with your girl friends. They are learning to manage complex emotions and the mood variations that accompany growing up.
4. Learn to tell the difference between healthy relationships (where both people benefit) and exploitative relationships (where one person benefits at the expense of another). Don't stay in any relationship that is one-sided (be it with a girlfriend or with a boy).
5. Learn how to be yourself. Get comfortable with that and practice it. It will be the key to your future relationships and your happiness.

In response to Miss Representation, the recently produced documentary film, I'm posting a series of articles and blog posts to help women and girls transmit essential messages to girls to help girls grow up confident, secure, and fully aware of the role of media and media messages in their lives. Here I am listing five essential messages about pop-culture. Please share these messages with the girls you interact with. The girls need to know and you are in a position to teach and inform.

Your influence could be the catalyst a girl needs. Please pass these messages on:

1. It's OK to be entertained by TV starts and musicians. But don't spend too much time watching or listening; it literally brain washes you. (see next item)
2. Our brains change according to what we pay attention to. Limit how much time you spend with provocative media. It may be entertaining but you don't want to transform your brain or your beliefs to embrace the ideas you see on popular TV shows. Trust us on this one.
3. Enjoy entertainment for what it is then go out into the world and get involved. Live a real life, not a virtual life. A virtual life = relying on TV, computer experiences, mobile device apps for social and emotional connection. Don't do it; you will not be satisfied. A real life = spending time with a wide variety of people, engaging in meaningful work, making a difference in someone's life, and/or teaching a skill you have to someone. Try it out!
4. Pop-personality figures and TV stars are actors. They get paid to act; it's their job. Don't confuse the acting with real life, the two are quite different.
5. It's the job of an entertainer to get our attention. They get our attention with outrageous actions, lyrics, and performances. It's a show. It's OK to watch but don't think they are depicting real life - it's make believe.

I remember when our children were babies and they cried when I left the room; they felt incomplete when I wasn't there. Babies literally don't know where they end and their parents begin. They feel more whole when they are in your arms and when they are with you, their parent. You are part of their understanding of reality, their sense of wholeness. In time children come to understand that they're a separate being from you, the parent.

Lately I've been thinking about teens and their emerging personalities, quest for independence, and sense of boundaries. It seems to me that teens re-visit the boundary issue; they seem to once again get confused about where they end and where you, the parent, begin. For example, sometime in the teen years your daughter or son is likely to be embarrassed by you; somehow your clothing, what you say, how you look, and the things you do will, in the mind of your teen, reflect on them. This phenomenon is evidenced by your child wanting you to drop them off at the curb or the corner, your son's attempt to ignore you in public, or your daughter's disdainful look and comment, "are you really wearing THAT?" Frankly, they become embarrassed by us.

In this developmental phase, teens are re-examining many boundary issues.  Teens (and some preteens) begin to look at the broader world as she/he struggles to find a sense of independence. Teens seek to redefine (or solidify) who they are; they often become overly sensitive about the people around them, especially their parents. I call this boundary confusion. 

Two of our three children were hyper-sensitive in the teen years to me and my appearance. Somehow my very presence was a sort of fashion statement about who the teen was, so to speak. My son once asked me to NOT acknowledge him when I saw him on the school campus. I complied. That phase lasted only about six months.  

If it happens to you - your preteen or teen starts wanting you to stay in the car or drop them off at the corner - don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about your teen growing up and trying to define for herself or himself just who they are. It's a big question and a confusing one. You can help them by telling your son or your daughter the truth about who they are and what they are good at. The sooner your child figures out his/her strengths and vulnerabilities, the sooner he/she will come to grips with the question of "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" These are two universal questions of the teen years. Remember, IT'S NOT about you; it's about your teen.

Sometimes our lives get overly scheduled and we forget to relax and play together as family. Yes, you should still be playing with your children in the preteen and teen years! There are a hundred good reasons to play together! And summer is a great time of year to add some additional playtime into your family life.  Here are five benefits of play, four tips for family play, and three play ideas for families with preteens and teens.   

Why play? Because play is fun, develops creativity, helps people release stress and process feelings, strengthens relationships, and provides opportunities for practicing:  

a.       Self-expression

b.      Empathy

c.       Flexibility

d.      Negotiation

e.      Cooperation

Four Tips for Family Play

1.       Make time for lighthearted activity. Put it on the calendar if you need to. Make it a priority.

2.       Include all family members; adjust the play to allow for varying levels of ability. But don’t dumb it down! Make sure your play/lighthearted activities work for your teen. Preteens and teens are easy to lose so make their engagement a priority. To accommodate a younger child, pair the younger one up with an older sibling or parent.

3.       Engage the imagination of your preteen/teen and allow that older child to steer the play (without taking it over completely).

4.       Keep it lighthearted. Focus on having fun and cooperation, minimize competition.

Three Ideas for a Family with Preteens and Teens

1.       Turn routine tasks into play

a.       Put jokes, riddles, comics, or other lighthearted messages in family member’s lunch, backpack, workbag, or pocket.

b.      Make up stories about the people you see driving around. Where are they going? What is going on in that person’s life that makes them look happy or sad that day?

2.       Play games: card games, board games, or word games. You can check out game stores or toy stores for new games to try. Hold a family game night once a month.

3.       Take a plastic figurine of a character and hide the figure in funny places for family members to find. Whoever finds it gets to hide it next. We have been playing this in our household for year. Our family uses a bendable Gumby figure. Gumby shows up in cereal boxes, coffee mugs, plants, sock drawers, you name it!

The teen years can be challenging. By making play a regular part of your family life you will build and maintain connections that you may lean on heavily during the inevitable parent-child relationship challenges. In addition, you will create lasting memories, blow off steam, and hone your teen’s flexibility and creativity. Carve out time for family play; have some fun together with those you love!

Families who play together have an easier time staying together!

Cyber Safety is a concern of most parents I know. And for good reason. Studies reveal that 1 in 5 youth are approached by someone they don't know online. This alarms most parents. Then there is bullying, giving out information, and the dreaded unknown!

Kids have always pressed into new territory; the internet is the latest version. It's important for parents to understand the issues then to present limits to their kids. Consider using a written agreement or contract with your kids. Here's one you can use. Feel free to copy this agreement and make it your own. The most important thing is that you speak to your kids about these issues and then outline limits and guidelines. Consider writing in what the consequences will be if/when your child breaks the agreement. They are likely to do so - they are kids and it's their job to learn. Learning often includes testing boundaries (this is one of the less comfortable parts of parenting teens!). I suggest a 3-5 day suspension of internet/computer privileges for breaches to the agreement.

A written agreement can help formalize your expectations. Why don't you give it a try?

Computer and Internet Use Agreement

We, your parents, provide a computer and internet to family members with these understandings:

The use of the internet is a privilege and it comes with responsibilities.

Children agree to these safety procedures:

I will NOT interact with people I don’t know while online. I understand that people I don’t know in person but who I may meet online

• Are not my “friends.”
• May not be who they say they are. Sometimes a person who seems to be a kid is really an adult pretending to be a kid. Some of those people are out to hurt children.

To be clear, I will

• Refrain from conversing with someone I met online
• Never call, send anything to, nor agree to meet with someone I met online.

I will be open with my parents about all the sites I go to, the people I interact with, and the types of things I do online. I understand that the internet environment is evolving and my parents can help me decide what sorts of sites and tasks are appropriate for me. I will honor their judgment on this matter.

I will not give out my address, phone number, school information, parent phone, or any credit card information to any person or any site online without permission of my parents.

I will only purchase items online if I have my parent’s permission. And I will seek and gain my parent’s permission every time before I give out credit card information.  

If I ever come across internet content that makes me feel uncomfortable or that I can tell is “bad” I will immediately exit the site. I will then talk to my parents about what I saw so I can understand how to stay safe and to avoid that type of content in the future.

I will never press on a link mentions the word porn. Those sites contain information and images that can harm me. If I accidentally get on one of those sites I will exit immediately; if the site is an aggressive one with popups and it won’t let me log off I will turn off the computer and go for adult assistance, immediately.

I will not participate in online bullying. If I don’t have something nice or constructive to say I will remain silent. If I witness internet bullying (on a social networking site, in email, or anywhere else online) I will tell my parents or another trusted adult ___________________(name).
If someone makes inappropriate suggestions, sends me messages that use bad language or sends me pictures that make me feel uncomfortable I will tell my parents right away.
I will honor my parent’s judgment when it comes to matters of my safety online.

 And finally,

 I will help my parents use and understand new technology when they don’t understand something that I know about.

Signed ____________________ and ________________ Date ______________

Loving Parents and Strong Families Shape Children for Life

Top 10 Tips:

1. Focus on love
2. Keep an eye on the big picture
3. Be persistent, you are the parent
4. Highlight the positive; people grow from their strengths
5. Give children important work to do
6. Invest in shared experiences and family time; strong relationships with trusted adults are a key indicator of stability in the teen years
7. Cultivate an atmosphere of fun
8. Take a break
9. Show your humanity
10. Talk about the hard stuff

See my new video (click here).

This video was filmed at a talk I did for a group of parents with kids in late elementary and early middle school. It really does make a difference when parents tell their kids what they think about sex and especially what they think about kids having sex. Studies show that kids respond. Kids agree. It's true; I ask the kids. Young people whose parents had open conversations with them about sex really appreciated it. Now I don't think the kids appreciate it at the time (they are usually uncomfortable at the time) - but I'm talking about years later. I've had these later-year conversations with young people. They were so grateful to have had parents who gave them information and guidance. None of these young people reported the conversations being comfortable. Almost all of the young people reported the conversations being HELPFUL. That's the key.

Healthy attitudes about sex are learned. If you don't want your kids picking up the attitudes of the culture then you need to provide alternative attitudes. If you feel unprepared you can use my audio programs and my book to help. Click here to see those products.
I'd also be happy to work with  you to bring my parent-child workshops to an organization you belong to (school, church, scout troop, etc.). When you bring me in to do a parent-child event I will have the frank and often difficult conversation about sex with your kids with you present. Then all you have to do is agree or clarify. I make it comfortable - or at least as comfortable as possible. I even make it fun, believe it or not. I promise you will live through it and your kids will be the better for it.

The photo you see here is me, when I was a teenager. Wow, I wonder how I would have parented me, if given that task. I was a good student but bored in school. I was involved with a group of friends and a couple of activities but had too much free time on my hands. I broke my share of rules - but never got caught. Knowing what I know now, about parenting and about myself - I would have been challenged to parent "me" when I was a teen. Somehow I/we got through it - without major scars - but with a few scrapes and probably a bit of scar tissue.

Parenting teens is tricky. I've had some practice; we're on our third. Our two daughters are now 23 and 20; we have a 15 year-old son. I think we've gotten better with each one - but I'm sure we've made our share of mistakes, probably an equal number of mistakes with each one.

I used to think there were right ways to parent and wrong ways to parent. While I still believe there are important rules and good practices for parenting, I no longer think parenting is about doing it "right." There are too many variables to think that we can do it "right" or do it "wrong." I think parenting is more about showing up for the job every day, being attentive, and remembering to love along the way. It's easy to get distracted by the other demands of life and the other attractions of life. It's easy to hold-on to the unhappiness and the disagreements that are bound to come up in a household that contains a teen.

Loving a teen is often a choice rather than a feeling. And it's an important choice. Sometimes, when the going gets rough, it is only that love (and the choice to continue with the love) that parents have to hold onto. And it's often enough. Don't underestimate the power of an established relationship based on love. It can get you through some pretty tough times. Trust me - from a teenage girl who broke rules to a parent that has had to choose love over and over again - I know it works wonders.