Fabulous to be female

12 year old Daughter: “You are the worst mother. I can’t believe you won’t let me go.” (Her mom refused to allow the girl to go to the mall with a friend who was being driven by a teen who was unknown to the mother.) The girl went to her room, slammed the door closed, and pushed her dresser in front of the door.

Mother of this girl:

“She tells me she’s so unhappy and that she wishes she weren’t alive. I took her to a therapist. The therapist thought she was a great kid. My daughter completely fooled her. What a waste that was.”

What is going on?

I talked at length to this mother. She was rightfully concerned. Her daughter had talked (briefly) about wishing she were dead. The mom took her daughter to a therapist and hoped the therapist would “solve” the problem. The therapist thought the girl was fine.

This mother is going to try another therapist; she wants another opinion. It may be that her daughter is “fine.” It’s very difficult to tell the difference sometimes between a “normal” and an “abnormal” response to puberty, especially when you are dealing with a strong willed child. And this daughter is one of those spirited children that many call “strong-willed.”

Puberty causes immense physical, social, and emotional changes in girls. The daily hormone fluctuations that are normal for a menstruating female are quite difficult for some girls to adjust to.  The hope is that over the next few years this girl will adjust to the social, emotional, and physical changes.

Girl: 10 year old girl asked, “How often does this happen?” meaning her period, “once a year?” She had already learned about “body changes” in school; she and her mother were attending a Growing up Female I workshop. 

Lesson: Girls don’t take in all of the information the first time around – and often not even the second time around. Girls need multiple learning opportunities and LOTS of support. The good news: Trusted adult women make a difference in the lives of girls. With proper support and guidance, moms and other adult women can help girls learn and they can help girls grow up with a positive self image and a positive body image. Unfortunately a poor self image is common in girls and women and is a root cause of many serious problems down the road. Don’t go there. Create positive relationships and build up her sense of self NOW.    

Parent: “Parenting a teen is like a giant chess game – we’re constantly trying to figure out her next move so we can block it in advance – our daughter is very challenging.”

Lesson: Parenting teens can be quite difficult. They are stretching their wings, searching for independence, and making mistakes along the way. The best parenting for this age involves setting up clear communication, strong yet flexible boundaries (more on that seemingly contradictory phrase later), positive and uplifting base relationships, and opportunities for independence to grow.

For those of us who have a strong willed child the job is more difficult – they stretch their parents beyond comfort zones and require a constant return to the basics – love, support, and encouragement. Just make it a mantra, “love, support, encourage…”