Fabulous to be female

I just had a long conversation with a school principal about girl bullying. Girl bullying often looks very different from boy bullying. It is more subtle and more emotionally based. Girl bullying tends to be social-emotional. Girls exclude other girls, transmit feelings of dislike and disgust, and hurt each other in non-physical and often non-verbal ways.

The whole arena of social-emotional intelligence  is an area where females have a definite edge - for good and for bad. Lets consider this realm and then look at how girls (and women) use their social-emotional abilities to (too often) bully other girls.

Females are good at reading faces and emotions.  Some are more gifted in this area than others but in general, girls rule in this arena. Subtle micro-expressions reveal underlying feelings and attitudes. A girl rolls her eyes as a sign of disgust. The girl on the receiving end of the micro-expression reads the facial cues and feels wounded by the girl who is putting forth the negative message.

On top of being keenly aware of the subtle cues from others, girls and women are inherently emotional. They are more sensitive to feelings and tend to carry those feelings around for a long period of time. These tendencies and sensitivities are a breeding ground for social-emotional bullying. A girl (often starting at age 8-10 and continuing through middle school and beyond) sends off strong messages about how she feels towards others. If negative feelings are cultivated, the negative emotion will be transmitted though micro-expressions to other girls. The girl giving off the negative expressions is likely to respond to queries with a response claiming innocence. She may be (mostly) unaware of what she is doing. But underneath there are likely very strong feelings of disgust that have been propagated and intentionally strengthened.

The study of social-emotional intelligence, and hence, social-emotional bullying, is in its infancy. Studies are being done to chronicle and describe the micro-expressions given off and read by people. Watch for more on this.

The studies may be new but the practice is old; girls and women have been inherently skilled at reading these expressions for a LONG time. It was true in my day as a teen, it's true today. Girls may transmit feelings of disgust with a roll of the eye; a shift of expression may dismiss someone's opinion. Now it's called social-emotional bullying.

Do NOT underestimate the power of these negative messages. Teach your daughters about social-emotional bullying and micro-expressions. Teach your girls how to navigate through them - both as a sender of messages and as a receiver. Finally, teach girls to cultivate the positive. While you're at it, make sure you are modeling positive behavior yourself. Being a good example is the best teacher.

What is an intergenerational gathering? It's a gathering of children and adults. The gathering may be for fun, for a family reunion, or for a learning experience. They are a unique and special forum offering opportunities for the generations to enjoy and learn from each other.

Parent-child workshops (intergenerational gatherings) offer benefits over the traditional model of teaching children in one room and adults in another. When we pull parents and kids together and keep them together for learning, some very magical things can happen.

• Parents and kids who learn in a shared experience have a common context to reference back to later.
• The perspective of both child and parent can be highlighted - that goes a long way toward helping the two generations understand each other
• Bonding and open communication opportunities abound. This is particularly helpful in the preteen and teen years when communication and bonding seem stretched much of the time.
• Fun! If structured correctly intergenerational events are fun for both the kids and the parents.  

Imagine coming together with your kids for a fun AND educational workshop experience! That's what happens in my parent-child workshops, Growing up Female and Growing up Male, designed for preteen and teen families. Kids and parents learn together, they connect more deeply to each other, and they have fun along the way. I use the intergenerational format to address sensitive issues (sexuality, body changes, gender relations) and to pass along wisdom about human development and relationships. The collective experience transcends the workshop time - shared activities are recalled later and help keep kids and parents close - during a time when many parents and teens struggle to communicate.  

If you'd like to hear more contact me. I'd love to help you bring an intergenerational event to your school, church, or community group. Families love them.

At age 7, it was clear that Madeleine liked to be in charge. Her mother feared she was destined to be “bossy.” Then the preteen years hit; by age 10, Madeleine rarely made a decision without checking in with her friends; she exhibited a hesitancy that surprised and, frankly, concerned her mother. What happened to the confident and self-assured daughter she knew?

Girls are social beings; it’s normal at age 10 for Madeleine to engage more deeply with her friends. In addition, preteen girls begin to deal with hormonal fluctuations, social pressures, and cultural messages which lead them to continually ask an internal question, “Am I OK?” As the parent, you want your daughter to answer that question with a hearty “Yes!” While we cannot stop her internal questioning, we can help a daughter, like Madeleine; grow into a young lady with a positive sense of self and enough confidence to be the amazing and wonderful person she is meant to be.

Here are five things you can do as a parent to help instill confidence in your daughter as she readies for and navigates the teen years.  Think of these as anchors she can hold onto as she grows from girl to young woman:

1. Help her identify and claim her strengths. You will probably see her strengths more clearly than she does; be a mirror for her.
2. Accompany her as she stretches into new territory. Help her develop a specialized skill; being skilled at something (anything!) is a particularly powerful way to help your daughter gain confidence in herself and her abilities.
3. Surround her, as much as possible, with positive people who have strong relationship skills. We are social beings and we become more like the people we hang around with; it’s been proven over and over again. The positive people your daughter interacts with will help strengthen her.
4. Listen to your daughter. Encourage her to share her perspective, her ideas, her dreams and desires. Validate her observations and perspective as often as possible.
5. Teach your girl about real beauty. The computer altered, surgically enhanced, and air-brushed images broadcast to her daily through the media portray false images that harm a girl’s sense of self. Help your daughter identify her own physical attributes.  Teach your daughter about inner beauty; it’s more long-lasting and powerful than the made-up images the culture presents. This lesson is, perhaps, the most difficult to teach so start now, however young (or old) your daughter is today; it's an important mother-daughter message. 

All of our daughters are like Madeleine. They go through a period of uncertainty in the preteen and teen years. Give your daughter anchor points to hold onto. A strong sense of self and a skill set will help your daughter navigate the particularly difficult years of adolescence. Arm her well; stay by her side. And start as soon as possible. Loving parents make a big difference.

14 year old girl (from what looks to be a well balanced and wonderful family):

"My house is awful. You can't believe how bad it is here; I hate it and am so unhappy."

Parent of 15 year old girl:

"Samantha is so negative. She's like a walking little witch. I don't know what to do or how to talk to her anymore."

What is going on?

The teen years are a challenging time for girls and for parents. It's the teen's job to individuate; they are supposed to be working on becoming their "own person," becoming different from their parents. It's a good thing but it's often painful and difficult. The process can take years to unfold. Parents often experience their teen as negative; they wonder what happened to the happy child they had just a few months earlier. An unhappy teen can cause much angst in a household.

What's a parent to do?

1. Establish strong bonds before the teen years.
2. Let go - as often as you can. If your teen isn't doing something illegal, immoral, or dangerous, consider letting it go. I'm not saying you shouldn't have boundaries and guidelines - you should, absolutely. It's just that there will be SO many issues. Choose your battles carefully.
3. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that the changes are NOT about you - the parent. They are about your teen. She is trying to grow up. It's a strange and difficult process.
4. Return to love; always return to love! Remind yourself of the wonderful person who lives behind that teenage frown or the negative attitude. She's still in there. Love her. She will show her face again - someday, I promise.