Fabulous to be female

How to love a sullen teenager? Let me count the ways…

1. Remember what your daughter or son was like as a baby or a toddler. That sweet little child is still in there – somewhere.
2. Make a choice to share positives – five positives for every negative. It’s a magic formula. Studies show that high-quality relationships feature this positive-to-negative ratio. AND I hear back from parents regularly that it works with their teen. Try it. 
3. Forgive and move on.
4. Laugh together. Shared laughter builds bonds and good memories.
5. Remind yourself of what being a teen can be like: pressure, insecurity, so much to learn, social drama…  Your teen needs to know you are on her/his side.

More to come… Stay tuned for a new product line coming – to support YOU in your parenting efforts. I’m very excited about a new venture I’m involved with and will be rolling out in the next few weeks. You, as subscribers to my newsletter will be some of the first to hear of it – and there will be a special offer as well.

Our firstborn, Kelsey, taught me about new life and parental love. Parenting her was a delight. Every day featured smiles, a good-natured response, and a sense of connection. The mystery of new life and shared parent-child love were deeply rewarding experiences.

Our second child, Lisa, taught me to love unconditionally. She was a demanding and cranky baby. I learned to love through it. And as I loved through it, Lisa taught me about her own joy. When she was happy she radiated joy like the sun. I learned to love her in the good times and in the difficult times.

Then when I thought I was an expert on love and parenting, our third child, Noah, taught me another lesson. He taught me to love in the fragile moments where life and death meet. Noah went into anaphylactic shock when he was three and almost died in my arms.  His face and throat swelled, his airway began to close, he became lethargic, and he came close to losing consciousness. That day I learned to love in the moment; I was unsure if there would be a tomorrow for us so I used the moments I had to pour all the mom-love I had into my young son. And somehow it all worked out. He survived, recovered, and is now a healthy 17-year-old boy. But he walks around, every day, with a life-threatening food allergy. It could all happen again. Me, I’ve never been the same. Since the day Noah almost died in my arms I love more deeply and more readily. I forgive. I appreciate the moments I have with those I love. And I tell the people I care about how wonderful they really are.

I have been drastically changed by love. All of my kids have played a part.

I often think that it is we who are the students, the parents. If we pay attention there is so much to learn as we raise our kids. The trick is to pay attention and to allow life and love to stretch us. It’s not easy but it’s so rewarding. Especially the love lessons; they are the most rewarding of all. 

How about you? What have you learned about love from your kids?

Write it down - what, exactly have you learned from each child? After you process and answer the question - and write down your response, consider sharing the lessons with your kids. It will be a gift to your kids and to you.

Celebrate love together. That’s what families are for.  

I went to a continuing education event yesterday called "How the Brain Forms New Habits: Why Willpower isn't Enough." Here are 5 takeaway concepts I think we can all use and benefit from. You can benefit directly and you can also be a better parent if you understand how we are made and why habit formation and changing habits is so difficult.

Here are Five concepts that will help you:

1. Instituting change is notoriously difficult. Look around, even very learned people struggle with health habits - and other habits. If it were easy we would all be fit, rich, and in-control (of everything...). So don't feel bad about having a bad habit or two. You were taught well by the culture (to overeat, to sit on the couch, to drive instead of walk, etc.) You can do it - but it will likely take real work.
2. The first step to take when you want to institute change is to simply evaluate your actions and figure out why you want to change. Then focus on the values that are behind your desire for change. Maybe you have been nagging your kids. Now it's a habit. You want to change that habit. Figure out why. Maybe you value the relationship with your kid (I hope this is true!) and you notice that he closes down and gets angry when you nag. It's getting in the way of your relationship. Is your relationship with your kid of higher value than getting him to put his dishes in the dishwasher? And is there a better way to get your son to do his part? This type of thinking can help you focus on the motivation behind change. Powerful motivation makes change a bit easier.
3. Who you hang out with really does matter. Your mother was right! It's been measured and it's simply true. We pick up mannerisms and habits from those we spend time with. So it does matter who your daughter or son hangs around with. (I know, there's only so much you can do about this one - but you CAN do some things here to affect who your preteen or teen hangs out with.)
4. Very small changes make a significant difference in the long run. Indeed, small steps are the only way to achieve lasting change. When we set out to lose 50 pounds or to never eat chocolate again we are doomed for failure. We can lose those 50 pounds a different way. We can control our chocolate cravings too - but not with all-or-none thinking. Make small changes.
5. Old habits can fade but they never completely go away. We have a memory center in our brain that holds on to these old habits. That's why we can go without riding a bike for 10 years then get on and ride again tomorrow. It's not good news though when old "bad" habits revisit us. They will. If your kid made his bed every day for  a month then stopped - he's normal. (You can still insist he make his bed - I'm just telling you this is normal - we all do these things.) Too much stress typically results in setbacks. Reverting to your old habits or eating a whole box of chocolates when you are stressed doesn't make you a failure. It just means you are human. Don't be too hard on yourself (or your kid!). Just go back to your new habit and try again. This is the most important part.

The good news? Change is possible. Absolutely. Positively. And you can do it.

You probably won't have access to the course I went to but you can read a great book on change. It's called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It's a fun read by Chip and Dan Heath.

A popular segment of every event I lead is the Q & A time. I promise girls (and boys too, when I do a Growing up Male event) that I will tell them the truth. I do. They get the hint and ask amazing questions.

When the girls are young (4th-5th grade) they ask questions about their bodies, body changes, their girlfriends, and how to talk to mom/dad. When they get to middle school they move into territory that is trickier: emotions, sexuality, and dating. It's trickier territory for a lot of reasons: people have varying ideas and values, many adults are challenged in these areas, the media presses an agenda that is provocative (shocking things attract viewers), and we (as a culture) are uncomfortable talking about sex.

I only take questions that are written down - rarely do I screen out questions (but I will as needed). I am brutally honest in my responses. Parents and preteens/teens alike thank me for the honest answers. I have nothing else to give them than the truth - and I've learned they are hungry for it.

The questions reveal a lot and are completely depend on the event, the age of the girls, and how comfortable they are. Here are some questions I've gotten lately:

From my Growing up Female level 2 courses (for middle school girls):

• When did this "perfect" skinny image come to be so important?
• I love my mom, but I want to be closer to her. How come it's so hard?
• Is flirting with guys you don't really "like" weird?
• Why is so much pressure put on girls to be perfect?
• Does talking through things with girlfriends make it better if you are upset with them or should you let it blow over?
• What are good ways to befriend boys?
• What are the different types of sex?
• How can you say no to a boy if he keeps pushing? (after answering this question I turned to the audience of 40 and we practiced as a group)
• Is it bad to have your first kiss be a "B"? (less than wonderful)
• How do you become comfortable around a guy?

And the moms have questions too - that they want answered for themselves and for their daughters. Here are some parent questions I've gotten lately (regarding middle schoolers):

• Where can kids go (safely) to learn about sex and to see how the body of the opposite sex is put together? (as opposed to going to the internet where they are likely to encounter porn)
• What are some signs to look for that would indicate your daughter is in a bad relationship - either with a girlfriend or a boyfriend?
• How far to kids/girls go in middle school and how far should they be allowed to "go"?
• Tell the girls why they shouldn't do sexting or send naked pics thru cell phone.
• How to deal with a boyfriend who "dumps" a girlfriend when she sets boundaries (and how common is this?).
• What are good successful ways to set sexual boundaries with a trusted and serious boyfriend?

If you'd like to gather with a group of girls (or boys) and parents for an event that will help you get closer to your child and where you and  your child can ask questions and get honest answers - let's talk. I'm setting up events for spring and summer. I'd love to serve the school, church, or community group you are involved with.

I grew up in a family where we didn't EVER say, "I love you." The family my husband and I created is more vocal about our feelings. We often say, "I love you." But words are not enough. Families who show love and affection in multiple ways are healthier and heartier. And we need to do it regularly. Here are 10 ways to show how much you care.  

1. Name and proclaim your loved one’s positive qualities. Do this regularly. It’s easy to do the opposite, to focus on the things your child (or partner) is NOT doing well. Turn the table so you are dishing out more positives than negatives.
2. Listen. Really listen. What is he saying beyond his words? It’s called active listening and it involves going for the heart of the message. This takes effort, time, and patience. The effort to communicate at this level shows that you care.
3. Declare your love and appreciation with words. You may be thinking, “But she should know that I love her.” Believe me; she wants to hear it again so tell her often.
4. Attend her events and accompany her as she pursues her interests.
5. Give symbols of love, small gifts or notes. Pick up a magazine for him, a book, or a favorite treat. Leave a note in his lunchbox, on his door, or taped to his computer screen.
6. Perform favors and small acts that make life easier for your loved one.
7. Touch. We all need touch; it’s a recognized human need.
8. Share your real thoughts and feelings, authentically and deeply.
9. Follow through on promises.
10. Go out of your way. Love is not convenient. It is in the stretching where we touch each other in heartfelt and valuable ways. 

One more thing, you cannot fake it. If you just go through the motions your family members will see through it. Go to your authentic place, deep inside, where you truly feel love then speak or act your love from that place of truth.

Carry it on: Share this list with your family members; expand on the list. Then ask each family member to name the top three ways they like to be loved. Try to learn what is most meaningful to your family members. Then follow through and show just how much you truly love them.

Beauty and body-image are huge issues for girls and women; it's well established. If you need to be convinced, or if you need to convince someone of the problem, check out these two videos:

Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women

Miss Representation,Official Trailer

The big question that needs to be answered is, What do we DO about it?

My article, 52 ways to Boost Your Daughter's Body-Image, will give you lots of ideas. Check it out.

A quick answer? Get off the grid. Do something that doesn't require (or even allow for) primping and make up/elaborate hair care and do that thing often. Hiking, snow skiing, water sports, horseback riding, motorcycle riding, you name it...

Give your daughter REAL experiences. Spend meaningful time together exploring a new venture, a hobby, or a sport.

Then allow your daughter to primp for other occasions and activities. It's normal (see this article for more on the normalcy of primping).

It's not just girls, boys are concerned with their looks too. But, REALLY.... Girls spend a LOT of time looking in the mirror in the preteen and/or teen years. It's not just your daughter, I promise! There are multiple reasons why a girl is concerned with her appearance:

1. She's  hardwired to care about how she looks. It's probably the female sex hormones that are responsible for the near-universal female desire to check out the mirror.
2. She's bombarded with images about beauty so she's trying to see how she measures up.
3. Other girls are doing the same thing. We are all influenced by the people we hang out with.

Think about it. You moms likely did the same thing. Maybe you still do: walk by the mirror and take a peek. Is everything OK, is there something out of place? Do I need more lipstick? Is my hair sticking out?

Women in ancient cultures had beauty rituals too. Beads, tattoos, hair styles, body paint, and fine clothing are not unique to our century! If your daughter checks herself out in the mirror a lot - she's normal!

I grew up in a family where we didn't EVER say, "I love you." The family my husband and I created is more vocal about our feelings. We often say, "I love you."

I have friends who feel loved not when someone uses words but when someone presents small gifts and tokens. The item can be tiny - a bar of chocolate or a single flower. It doesn't matter.

Gary Chapman writes about five languages of love. His book describes five love languages and urges us to find out what love language is most meaningful to those we care about. Then we are urged to express our love in the language that our loved one prefers. (Most of us err and show love in OUR love language instead of in the love language of our family member/partner.)

Here are the five love languages:

1. gifts (they can be small, size doesn't matter)
2. acts of service (favors, holding the door for someone, getting a cool drink or a hot chocolate for someone)
3. quality time
4. touch
5. words of appreciation

Which is your love language? In other words, what makes you feel loved and cared for? Maybe a couple of these seem correct. Most of us, according to Chapman, have a primary love language.

Now consider your family members. What is the love language of each person? Not sure? Discuss it over dinner and see if you can learn/identify the love language of each family member. What a great gift that could be this holiday season - to show love and appreciation to each other in the manner that is the most meaningful to the recipient. And it's a gift that is recession proof. It is free and the most precious thing that you can give. Genuine love - expressed in a manner that is genuinely received.

Traditions are a wonderful way for families to connect and build memories. Yet traditions need not be forever. You can change a tradition and you should if it no longer works for you. How to tell when to drop or change a tradition? Watch and reflect - if you are looking at a tradition that has become too burdensome and if that tradition doesn’t meet a goal you have for your family, then it’s time to consider changing or dropping the tradition. It can seem awkward, or even sacrilegious, to change a tradition but you’ll adjust, I promise. I know because we did it. We dropped a BIG tradition. We chose to leave Santa out of Christmas. Here’s how it happened for us:  

It was December, we lived in Northwestern Wisconsin, and our eldest, Kelsey, was one year old. The holiday season was well established. Kelsey loved the season; she delighted in the snow, the icicles on the house, the holiday lights, and the special foods. She loved the holiday music and the cookies we baked. She was overjoyed the day we brought a tree into the house; it was her first experience of a Christmas tree. There was so much to experience that year. We were a young family reveling in the sights, smells, sensations and mysteries of the season. We delighted together at the snowflakes (they are so intricate), the stars that stood out in the black sky, and the Northern Lights that shone at night. Add a few gifts to open and we knew our daughter would be more than satisfied. Something told us, “This is enough.” We had a sense that our little girl didn’t need Santa. She already had enough mystery, joy, and abundance. We were living in a wonderland and needed no man in a red suit to complete our holiday delights. So we never bothered to introduce Santa. It was that simple. For us it was our way of saying, "ENOUGH!" And it was simple.

We focused on teaching our kids about joy, mystery, and love. Those were our important holiday messages. Our kids loved the traditions we did celebrate and they claim (at ages 25, 23, and 17) that they didn’t miss Santa, at all.

I’m not suggesting that YOU skip Santa. But I am suggesting that you look at the holiday traditions you celebrate. If you have one or two that have become burdensome or unnecessary, I urge you to consider dropping them. Hang on to the ones that are important to you and that help you stay connected to those you love.

Happy holidays!

I remember the Christmas when...

Just when I was feeling lonely the phone rang and it was Grandma...

There was so much snow that year I was sure we'd be stranded for a week...

I remember your first holiday season; you were just a baby and...

Want to connect with your family members? Tell stories this holiday season. Try storytelling at dinner, while sitting around a fire, or while sharing a cup of hot chocolate or warm tea. Begin by reminiscing back to earlier holiday seasons when your kids were little or when a special family member came to visit. Maybe you took a special trip you can chronicle and reminisce over.

Kids of all ages enjoy hearing stories of when they were young. Choose cute stories, stories that show unique characteristics, or stories that had a funny or unexpected ending.

Here are some hints for making the stories memorable.

• Highlight a single incident: your three-year-old daughter was sleeping under the tree when you woke up in the morning, the cat jumped on Grandmas back during dinner, or Dad forgot where he hid the most important present.
• Share small details about the weather, the way you were feeling that day, the color dress Susie was wearing, or the devilish look on your son's face when he dove into the cookie dough.
• Tell the stories with a fondness of heart to demonstrate your love and affection. The warmth and affection will come through and bond you and your family members more closely.  
• Do it again! Stories get better with repetition. It's often in the retelling that you learn which stories are the most meaningful. Your kids are likely to say, "Tell about the time that you stuck your tongue to the metal rail when it was freezing outside!" or "Tell us the one about when we brought you breakfast in bed then spilled the orange juice all over you!" 

Stories bond us to each other, transmit affection, and teach important lessons. Don't worry if you aren't sure how to start. Just tell it like it was and add a good dose of love.