Fabulous to be female

Traditions are a wonderful way for families to connect and build memories. Yet traditions need not be forever. You can change a tradition and you should if it no longer works for you. How to tell when to drop or change a tradition? Watch and reflect - if you are looking at a tradition that has become too burdensome and if that tradition doesn’t meet a goal you have for your family, then it’s time to consider changing or dropping the tradition. It can seem awkward, or even sacrilegious, to change a tradition but you’ll adjust, I promise. I know because we did it. We dropped a BIG tradition. We chose to leave Santa out of Christmas. Here’s how it happened for us:  

It was December, we lived in Northwestern Wisconsin, and our eldest, Kelsey, was one year old. The holiday season was well established. Kelsey loved the season; she delighted in the snow, the icicles on the house, the holiday lights, and the special foods. She loved the holiday music and the cookies we baked. She was overjoyed the day we brought a tree into the house; it was her first experience of a Christmas tree. There was so much to experience that year. We were a young family reveling in the sights, smells, sensations and mysteries of the season. We delighted together at the snowflakes (they are so intricate), the stars that stood out in the black sky, and the Northern Lights that shone at night. Add a few gifts to open and we knew our daughter would be more than satisfied. Something told us, “This is enough.” We had a sense that our little girl didn’t need Santa. She already had enough mystery, joy, and abundance. We were living in a wonderland and needed no man in a red suit to complete our holiday delights. So we never bothered to introduce Santa. It was that simple. For us it was our way of saying, "ENOUGH!" And it was simple.

We focused on teaching our kids about joy, mystery, and love. Those were our important holiday messages. Our kids loved the traditions we did celebrate and they claim (at ages 25, 23, and 17) that they didn’t miss Santa, at all.

I’m not suggesting that YOU skip Santa. But I am suggesting that you look at the holiday traditions you celebrate. If you have one or two that have become burdensome or unnecessary, I urge you to consider dropping them. Hang on to the ones that are important to you and that help you stay connected to those you love.

Happy holidays!

I remember the Christmas when...

Just when I was feeling lonely the phone rang and it was Grandma...

There was so much snow that year I was sure we'd be stranded for a week...

I remember your first holiday season; you were just a baby and...

Want to connect with your family members? Tell stories this holiday season. Try storytelling at dinner, while sitting around a fire, or while sharing a cup of hot chocolate or warm tea. Begin by reminiscing back to earlier holiday seasons when your kids were little or when a special family member came to visit. Maybe you took a special trip you can chronicle and reminisce over.

Kids of all ages enjoy hearing stories of when they were young. Choose cute stories, stories that show unique characteristics, or stories that had a funny or unexpected ending.

Here are some hints for making the stories memorable.

• Highlight a single incident: your three-year-old daughter was sleeping under the tree when you woke up in the morning, the cat jumped on Grandmas back during dinner, or Dad forgot where he hid the most important present.
• Share small details about the weather, the way you were feeling that day, the color dress Susie was wearing, or the devilish look on your son's face when he dove into the cookie dough.
• Tell the stories with a fondness of heart to demonstrate your love and affection. The warmth and affection will come through and bond you and your family members more closely.  
• Do it again! Stories get better with repetition. It's often in the retelling that you learn which stories are the most meaningful. Your kids are likely to say, "Tell about the time that you stuck your tongue to the metal rail when it was freezing outside!" or "Tell us the one about when we brought you breakfast in bed then spilled the orange juice all over you!" 

Stories bond us to each other, transmit affection, and teach important lessons. Don't worry if you aren't sure how to start. Just tell it like it was and add a good dose of love.

I spoke to a reporter yesterday from Woman's Day. She is raising two sons. We talked mostly about raising girls but we did chat a bit about boys . I told her that the issues for boys about beauty, body-image, and self-esteem aren't even being addressed yet (well, they are, but only by a handful of people). If you are raising boys it's essential that you teach your sons what REAL women look like, how to treat REAL women, and how to have relationships with REAL women. Real women, real girls, real people are NOT like the computer-generated figures in his video game.

I've been writing this week about the documentary Miss Representation. While the film  primarily addresses the female response to the cultural ideals of perfectionism and unobtainable beauty standards, it's important to note that boys and men are drastically effected as well. A boy who grows up believing the images he sees risks becoming a man who is disappointed with REAL women.

I'm not making this up. I have met men who tell stories of being dissatisfied with real women. One guy in particular stands out. He was very smart. And he was drawn to women who just didn't satisfy his desire for deep conversation and companionship. The women he sought were "too shallow" (his words). He sought blond women with large breasts and bubbly personalities. He was not satisfied for more than a few dates. He spent thousands of dollars on therapy to help him sort out his desires. It worked for him. He ended up marrying a wonderful woman with short black hair, a great personality, and an intelligence level that matched his. And he was glad he had come to understand his misguided search for Barbie. An ideal that was, first-of-all, not possible, and second-of-all, not desirable in the long run.

 So if you are raising boys please address this issue with your sons.

Also - they need instruction about their bodies, their desires, and what healthy sexuality is all about. Difficult topics to bring up around the dinner table, I know. If you need help contact me, I now offer a Growing up Male workshop that addresses these issues.

Parenting girls or boys, we have our work cut out for us.

We had traveled from California to Hilton Head Island, SC to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my parents. After a trip to the beach, we returned to my folks’ house for dinner. At each table setting my mother had placed 3 pieces of candy corn. She asked us to go around the table, place one candy corn in a crystal bowl, and name something we were thankful for. We did so. Half way through dinner my mother asked us to do it again. We complied then repeated the ritual one more time before dessert. This simple activity carried the spirit of gratitude through the meal in a lighthearted yet tangible manner.

As we did dishes, my dad reached into the bowl, plucked out two candy corns and popped them in his mouth. Our daughter, Lisa, whispered to me, “Grandpa’s eating our prayers!” I laughed and wondered, “Isn’t that what we are supposed to do, enjoy our blessings?” 

We went home then the next year when we celebrated Thanksgiving in California we repeated the candy corn activity. And we repeated it again the next year. It became a tradition. We go around the table in the same manner on Thanksgiving Day, stating what we are thankful for and placing a candy corn in a dish, just as we had done at my parent’s house. And I always tell the story of Grandpa eating our prayers. We laugh and feel connected to each other. It feels good; it’s sort of magical.

How do you start a tradition of your own?

Choose an activity your family is likely to enjoy then add an emotional component (with storytelling, candle lighting, or personal reflection). Then repeat the activity next year (with the accompanying emotional component) and, if your family enjoyed the activity the first time around, it’s likely that you now have a tradition you can call your own.

Here’s the formula:

Fun family activity + reflection to establish emotional component + repetition = Family Tradition

For best results involve family members. It’s likely to be successful if everyone has a part to play. Be cautious too to not establish too many traditions. Life is busy. We want to bond together as family, we want to create memories, but we don’t need to overburden ourselves with too many things to do. So choose just a couple traditions to go with your holidays. Then enjoy the magic.

Please pass these messages on to your daughters and to all girls you care about. These are truths about relationships that girls need to know about; most girls don't know these things. They are essential pieces of information. Pass the word. 

1. You become like the people you spend time with. Choose your friends wisely.
2. Romance in the preteen and early teen years is overrated. Dabble with it if you must but don't think these young romances will last. They almost never do.
3. Be patient with your girl friends. They are learning to manage complex emotions and the mood variations that accompany growing up.
4. Learn to tell the difference between healthy relationships (where both people benefit) and exploitative relationships (where one person benefits at the expense of another). Don't stay in any relationship that is one-sided (be it with a girlfriend or with a boy).
5. Learn how to be yourself. Get comfortable with that and practice it. It will be the key to your future relationships and your happiness.

In response to Miss Representation, the recently produced documentary film, I'm posting a series of articles and blog posts to help women and girls transmit essential messages to girls to help girls grow up confident, secure, and fully aware of the role of media and media messages in their lives. Here I am listing five essential messages about pop-culture. Please share these messages with the girls you interact with. The girls need to know and you are in a position to teach and inform.

Your influence could be the catalyst a girl needs. Please pass these messages on:

1. It's OK to be entertained by TV starts and musicians. But don't spend too much time watching or listening; it literally brain washes you. (see next item)
2. Our brains change according to what we pay attention to. Limit how much time you spend with provocative media. It may be entertaining but you don't want to transform your brain or your beliefs to embrace the ideas you see on popular TV shows. Trust us on this one.
3. Enjoy entertainment for what it is then go out into the world and get involved. Live a real life, not a virtual life. A virtual life = relying on TV, computer experiences, mobile device apps for social and emotional connection. Don't do it; you will not be satisfied. A real life = spending time with a wide variety of people, engaging in meaningful work, making a difference in someone's life, and/or teaching a skill you have to someone. Try it out!
4. Pop-personality figures and TV stars are actors. They get paid to act; it's their job. Don't confuse the acting with real life, the two are quite different.
5. It's the job of an entertainer to get our attention. They get our attention with outrageous actions, lyrics, and performances. It's a show. It's OK to watch but don't think they are depicting real life - it's make believe.

As a response to the documentary, Miss Representation, here are five messages all girls need to hear about beauty and beauty products. Please teach girls the truth. Here are five truths I'm very sure of. Please spread the word:

1. A beauty treatment (manicure, new hair color, even surgery) will not make you happy. The treatment may give you a short-lived pick-me-up but it will not satisfy the longing you feel for something "more."
2. Don't try to look like the images in magazines, they are fake. Not even models look that way; the photos are airbrushed and computer altered. 
3. The advertisers of the world would like you to think that their product will make you happy, beautiful, and, somehow, complete. They won't. Products cannot make you happy. Advertisements are designed to get you to buy products; they want your money. 
4. The longing or hunger you feel, inside, for something more, is a longing for connection: connection to other people, to good work, and to goodness itself. Don't try to fill that hunger with food, romance, beauty products, clothing, shoes, or entertainment. It won't work.
5. Real beauty comes from within. Figure out what you love to do and what you are good at; then do more of those things. That will bring you joy and the joy will radiate out, revealing your inner beauty.

The documentary film, Miss Representation, lays out a clear picture of how ideals of beauty, body shape, and sexuality are manipulated and then sold to the public. It's worth watching and its' essential that we respond as well. Most girls and women are affected (and even harmed) by the barrage of beauty and body messages broadcast 24/7; they make real girls and real women feel grossly inadequate.

But here's the thing, the real girls and real women of the world are the real beauties. The real people with REAL personalities are the gems and jewels of the world. They have amazing traits: humor, insight, creativity, curiosity... The airbrushed, computer altered, and pseudo-reality characters are artificial.

It's time we stand up and reclaim our right to our real beauty, our amazing bodies, and our creative and loving spirits. It is our humanity, our realness, even our imperfections, that make us the unique and lovable creatures that we are. It's true for all of us. We are not airbrushed photos. We are not computer altered images and we don't want to be either. We are women.  We are girls. We are real.

The girls of today could use some help. The adult women - moms, aunts, grandmothers, teachers, and neighbors can show girls how to claim the real.  Who's with me? I can show you how - I've been working on it for 15 years and I've learned how to teach girls about their bodies, their strengths, and about beauty. If  we work together we will have a clear and lasting impact.

Next up, a series of blog posts and articles outlining just how to get the job done.