Fabulous to be female

Girl: 10 year old girl asked, “How often does this happen?” meaning her period, “once a year?” She had already learned about “body changes” in school; she and her mother were attending a Growing up Female I workshop. 

Lesson: Girls don’t take in all of the information the first time around – and often not even the second time around. Girls need multiple learning opportunities and LOTS of support. The good news: Trusted adult women make a difference in the lives of girls. With proper support and guidance, moms and other adult women can help girls learn and they can help girls grow up with a positive self image and a positive body image. Unfortunately a poor self image is common in girls and women and is a root cause of many serious problems down the road. Don’t go there. Create positive relationships and build up her sense of self NOW.    

Parent: “Parenting a teen is like a giant chess game – we’re constantly trying to figure out her next move so we can block it in advance – our daughter is very challenging.”

Lesson: Parenting teens can be quite difficult. They are stretching their wings, searching for independence, and making mistakes along the way. The best parenting for this age involves setting up clear communication, strong yet flexible boundaries (more on that seemingly contradictory phrase later), positive and uplifting base relationships, and opportunities for independence to grow.

For those of us who have a strong willed child the job is more difficult – they stretch their parents beyond comfort zones and require a constant return to the basics – love, support, and encouragement. Just make it a mantra, “love, support, encourage…”   

Times have changed. The "talk" of old - telling your daughter how her body will change in puberty is not an effective way to teach her about life, her body, or about being female. 

Today you need to have ongoing conversations. 

We have a detailed conversation about puberty and body changes at the Growing up Female I workshop that I lead for groups of girls and adult women. It's up to you, the parents, to continue the conversation with the girl in your life. Here is this month's tip on one way to keep the conversation going: 

Take your daughter down the “feminine hygiene” aisle at the store. Look at the variety of products, pick up boxes and packages, and consider what she might want to use. Do this in a couple of different stores. Remember the compact tampons? See if you can find something that is new to both of you that she might find helpful.

There are specific reasons why the Growing up Female workshop is an adult-girl event. Girls need adult women in their lives who will be there and will help them as they maneuver the increasingly complex social realm of growing up female. Forming bonds with multiple adult women and with her mom (or other important adult woman) helps your daughter feel secure and helps her connect so that if she needs help when you aren't around, she knows that there are other women she can go to. AND - for some reason, girls and adult women often have trouble getting the conversation about body changes started. The workshop breaks down those barriers - and gives the girls and adult women a common experience to spring from. It works. I hear back from mothers five years later (and more) that the workshop helped them delve into even deeper and more intimate topics as the years went by.

Mission accomplished.

by Amy Sluss

Our culture teaches girls and women to want what they don’t have. We are encouraged to want more, over and over again; it’s a marketing strategy designed for business success. Our daughters are prime targets and are quite vulnerable. Families can transcend these marketing messages and teach other values if they are deliberate about it. Here are three strategies you can use to teach your daughters about gratitude (And yes, the same strategies work for sons and partners so make it a family project!).

 Practice gratitude yourself and do so in a visible manner.  The only way to teach internal practices and values, like gratitude, is to somehow make the practice visible. So you need to either voice your gratitude on a regular basis or find a way to write it out so your daughter can see it. One way to make gratitude visible is by keeping a gratitude log in a visible place and adding to it daily. You could display a poster or a large piece of newsprint on a door or wall. Then write on the poster (in large print) every day. Try to capture and write down three things you are grateful for each day. Then talk about it with your daughter.  

Cultivate a family practice of gratitude. Invite your daughter (and other family members) to join you in your practice of gratitude. She can write on your poster, simply invite her to do so! There is incredible power in collective sharing. Another option is to purchase a piece of fabric (muslin works well) to place in the center of your kitchen table; write down (on the fabric) something you are grateful for each day. Ask family members to do the same. Keep adding to the fabric or poster. Soon it will be crowded with all of the wonderful gifts/blessings of your lives.

 Start and end the day with positive thoughts, affirmations, and reminders. Some families like to list the thing they are most grateful for at the end of the day and then the thing they are least grateful for.  Acknowledging the negative is helpful, and I encourage people to admit to struggles, just don’t stop there – end on the positive or you risk getting “stuck” in the negative. (More on this concept next month!)

Visibly showing your gratitude, and encouraging your family members to do the same, is one of the best gifts you can give your family. This one practice transmits important messages and helps discourage the discontent that the marketing machinery of our culture propagates. That discontent and desire for “more” is all around us and creeps into our consciousness without us even noticing. We can actively turn it around if we try. It’s not even hard; but you do have to do something – or the “I want more” attitude will prevail. What are you waiting for?